Assisted Living Frequently Asked Questions » Communication
My brother is sabotaging my efforts to get my father to move out of his home. Every time I think dad is going to move, my brother steps in and says something dumb like, “Dad, I just worry about you having to move…” or “maybe you could spend one more summer in your home.” What can I do to combat this or how can I get my brother to shut up?
This is a common problem. Your brother sounds as if he’s feeling guilty about encouraging your father to move. He may be reacting to the stress he sees in your father, and is more concerned with placating your father in the short-term rather than thinking about the longer-term needs of your dad.
You don’t want to confront your brother in front of your father. Doing so would only confuse your father and could cause him to delay his move. Parents typically don’t like their children to squabble; and they often will attempt to resolve issues by attempting to keep things status quo.
You would benefit from pointing out to your brother how you feel. It's best not to accuse your brother of things, and certainly don't blame him for creating problems (even though he may be!) Instead, consider telling him, "I feel that your support of dad staying where he is, is short-sighted. I really appreciate and understand that you may feel uncomfortable about asking dad to move, and yet I feel that in a year or so, we'll be grateful we helped him move while he still has the energy to make the transition. Can I ask for your support to make this happen?"
Not all siblings will be in agreement with you. Many people are unaware of just how quickly an older person's care needs can change. For many families, it takes a crisis situation to "wake them up". The reality is that life can be tough if a plan isn't put into place and if supportive services aren't thought out and arranged in advance. Working through these issues after-the-fact doesn't give you time to research your options, you're just grabbing the first remedy that presents itself… which isn't always the best option.
Last update: 2007-05-07 20:44
Author: Tech Support
Revision: 1.0
