Assisted Living Frequently Asked Questions » Communication
I called and spoke to one of your Advisors. She really helped clarify things for me, and she’s shown me three great options for my mother. Now I’m feeling guilty that I’ve been researching options behind my mother’s back. What can I do to not upset her?
No matter what you do, or how you approach this, it's a very rare instance when someone could go through this process without feeling some guilt. Your willingness to do the research and to educate yourself regarding the options was wise. Keep in mind that our parents are wise people too; so it is not a good idea to try and disguise the fact that you've been looking into options for too long. The hardest part for them is actually admitting that they can't or shouldn't try to be self-sufficient any longer. Once they are able to come to grips with that, bringing them into the process will be so helpful to you.
What is helpful for older adults is to give them options and to let them know your desire to have them take a look at what options are available. It is true that many parents will perceive you as being presumptuous about their waning abilities or need to move, but over time they will begin to realize that you haven't forced them into making any sort of decision. You've simply provided them with options. And, if they do "blame us," then unfortunately, that's the trade off involved in being a prudent and compassionate family member.
Unless your mother is unsafe in her current living situation, you can allow some time to pass and revisit this subject over a period of time. When you first engage your mother in this conversation, she will undoubtedly have a difficult time catching up with you. You've had a lot more time to think about things, and you've seen the options. She may have a completely different picture in her mind. She may be wondering what she's done "wrong" to now have to be placed "in a home." She may not be aware that she's not functioning well on her own, and she may even deny it. Most importantly, she likely doesn't know just how wonderful the prospect of moving may be for her. She is stuck in trying to protect her current style of living, and she is most likely afraid of giving that up. Most older adults are fearful about leaving their homes and making a move to a more social setting. The good news is, though, that once the move occurs, they benefit from the services offered there. And after a period of weeks or months, they integrate into a new lifestyle with more support and more perks than they ever dreamed of.
The very best place to have a conversation with your mother is wherever you gathered as a family to talk about important things. For many families, it's the kitchen table. You don't need to have a list in front of you if it feels wrong to do so. It is helpful to you to write down the important things you want to convey to your mother so that they're clear in your head before you talk. It's easy for our parents to get us off track if they become emotional or upset with us. Being clear in your own mind about what you want to say will be very helpful to you. Keeping your discussions brief - less than half hour - will be helpful to your mother.
Here are the points you likely want to get across to your mother when you first broach the subject:
- I'm concerned about you living in your current home, and I can understand how frightening it must be to think about moving in the future.
- No one is saying you have to move, but I also don't want to be dumb about not planning for the future. I need to know what you want.
- I feel it would be helpful for you to look at your options.
And of course, your mother is going to immediately know that you've looked at the options. You can say:
"There are hundreds of options available, but only a few are going to be places you'd want to call "home." I didn't want you to have to consider hundreds of options, and so I got helpful information from an Advisor who helped define some specific places for you to consider. The thing is, if you don't visit them, then we'll never know which community you would want. That puts me in a terrible position, because I would rather you make your own decisions, Mom."
Unless a move has to occur, your goal the first time you meet is not to convince your mother of anything. Your goal should be simply to put it out there for her to think about. This is why you want your conversation to last less than 30 minutes.
If your mother wants to talk about other things or gets extremely serious about the conversation, it may be helpful for you to say:
"I think we should maybe take things a bit slower, Mom. How about we make a list of your questions and then we can work together to help you get answers to your questions. I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that you have to leave your home right away. I would just be grateful if we can put together a plan so I'm not stuck making decisions for you. That would be terrible for me."
The difficulty in placing information on this web site is that each person's and each family's dynamics are different, and the above response may not be exactly the right thing you should do. If you are reading these responses to the questions posed, it's important to be aware that there are hundreds of ways to approach this issue. You would benefit from speaking with a CHOICE Advisor to better understand the best way to present these ideas to your parent.
Last update: 2007-05-08 01:33
Author: Tech Support
Revision: 1.0
