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How to talk to an older adult about Assisted Living
It's rare that people view themselves as "old" or frail. Within our own mind, we tend to feel younger and more capable than we may actually be. Moreover, the thought that we may at any moment have a change of care needs rarely enters our mind.
Due to injury, illness or disease, an older adult can have a very quick change in their care needs; but for the most part, aging is a slow and gradual process. This means that someone can grow old without actually noticing much change. When people aren't aware that they have changed, they may also be facing a bit of denial that they actually have changed.
Also, because we are a society who takes pride in being independent, growing older and dependent on other people is not an easy process. Particularly in the Northwest, people tend to be hesitant about accepting services, and prefer to be self-sufficient. Unlike other parts of the United States, the Northwest seams to have seniors who just are not as readily willing to use their money to pay for services.
Having a conversation with an older adult about an upcoming move or a future move is not easy. As the older adult may be in denial, and because the older adult likely values their independence, they are not likely to accept input from other people about making a move. As a rule, people also don't like change, so the prospect of moving not only sounds unpleasant, but the underlying concept of change can be a frightening thing to people.
If you have the luxury of time, you are fortunate. Having a long, two- hour discussion and convincing a parent it is time to move is most often not an effective way to approach the issue. The best way to have a discussion is over a longer period of time, allowing the older adult to know that:
- You recognize that change is difficult.
- You would also want to remain independent if it were you who needed to consider a move.
- You understand that the older adult will be highly involved in the decision and that you have no intention of "putting" your loved one somewhere.
It is not uncommon for seniors to be fearful that their children will place them in a nursing home. The majority of seniors aren't aware of what Assisted Living actually is. Once they pay a visit to a community, they are often pleasantly surprised to see that such a gracious and supportive lifestyle exists. Getting them to consider their options, though, is also not an easy prospect.
Key to this process is taking your parents to view communities that meet their specific needs. Ideally, you would have narrowed down the list of options to no more than three and certainly more than one option. To narrow your search, it's advisable to enlist the guidance of an Elder Care Advisor. With their help, you can focus in on the three to six options that most specifically meet the needs of your loved one(s). From there, you can select the three best matches to consider.
When speaking with your parent, it is important to communicate your concerns for their safety and well- being. They are likely to tell you that they're just "fine," or they may even become angry; but getting the message across to them that they are affecting other people other than just themselves is important. In other words, if the fact that they're living alone is stressing out you or other family members, they need to know this. Sometimes, the guilt an older adult feels by burdening their family is enough motivation to at least take a look at the options.
Addressing up front what a move may look like is important. Most older adults believe that they will have to be capable of making the physical move themselves. They are not aware that other people will help them, and they may not want help. They may need time to ponder the concept and to play out in their minds what this physical move will entail. Giving your parent insight as to what you will do to help and the resources a senior moving company can offer will be of some comfort to some.
Even if they don't like their initial visit to one or more communities, it is helpful to get them out looking. Again, this gives them more credible information and details to allow them to envision themselves making this move. Don't be surprised if your parents says something like, "I don't want to live around all of those old people!" This is a common statement. Your parent is likely telling you exactly how they feel - they perhaps don't feel old, or they perhaps have fears of being considered "needy."
A major topic of consideration is what to do with a current home, condo or apartment if a move is under consideration. Some people do better if they know that they can move back to their prior living arrangement. If finances allow this, you may wish to be supportive of this idea. Other people are not so fortunate to have the finances to fund two households. On the other hand, some people do better with "moving on with life" closing down one part of life and moving on to another. Encouragement is key; pressuring a person to move can have repercussions.
So what do you do if your loved one is really not safe living alone? Arranging for in-home care is a good alternative. Asking your parent to make a choice between having someone "check in on them" or to "consider a move to a place that offers services" is a way to introduce this idea of transition. Whenever options are offered, it is helpful to offer two or three options rather than laying out a specific plan for someone. People do better if they feel involved in the decisions being made.
So what do you do if your loved one is not capable of making their own decisions due to low energy level or due to memory loss? This is a more complex situation; and unfortunately, when an older adult first has a decline in energy or first has signs of memory loss, they are typically highly unwilling to make a move. The fears they have of leaving their known environment are magnified; and rightfully so. They know that if they leave the surroundings they know, they may slip further into becoming dependent upon other people.
In reality, this is a fear with some underlying reality. When a frail person or a person with memory loss makes a move, they really do take one or two steps backwards. Fortunately, people tend to be creatures of habit and they also tend to be more flexible in their willingness to change than they may actually let on. Within a month to six months, most people acclimatize to their new living environment. In fact, it is very common for people living within assisted living communities to later say, "I'm not sure why I didn't make the move sooner - I really should have done this years ago!"
Be patient but firm in your statements. Your own feelings of guilt can cloud what you know really needs to happen. If a move to assisted living is not going to occur, then an incident or emergency may occur, and then your choices are more limited. You may find that you are arranging for immediate in-home care, or that you are considering the prospect of having your parent move in with you, or you may be considering spending more time as their caregiver. Finding assisted living and making a move during a period of crisis is not a wise idea. It is much better to plan ahead and make a move with as few bumps in the road as possible.
Key to a smooth transition is honesty and a constant confirmation from everyone that this move is not easy and that you understand that this is a difficult transition.
Last update: 2007-02-06 22:01
Author: Tech Support
Revision: 1.0
